See You Next Time

what i'm thinking constantly right now

The Mini Adventures of ElastaGirl

the guilt of the working mom will lead you to do things you never dreamed possible.  for example? i wrote a 'book' about a blue balloon.  

one day last week, holden didn't want to go to school & he was crying which generally leads me to cry once i get in the car.  i can't imagine how hard it is to be away from me that much.  i can barely be away from him and i'm ancient.  i'm not saying i'm so great by the way, i'm sure he'd be this upset if it were any mother of his.  it just happens to be me.  yikes, i'm crazy.  anyway this day, was particularly hormonal for me for whatever pregnant reason it was and it lead me to make a promise.  i try very hard never to promise anything because if i break a promise, in my mind, it's paramount to raping a virgin so i just do like homer and never try or in this case never promise.  HOWEVER, i did.  i promised that i would write a book about the blue balloon that he was having to leave in the car.  

so, i did.  i got to work and cut up some copier paper and got out a ruler and some pencils and some markers and wrote a book.  it's probably the ugliest book you'll ever see - i meant to bring it in and scan it.  i can do that tomorrow.  i really want you to see how ridiculous this book is.  however, who cares.  MY KID LOVED IT.  he made me read it about 10 times.  then, he made his dad read it.  then he brought it to school the next day and ms. kathy had to read it.  (for two days straight apparently - she finally asked me to write him a new book).  

the funny thing is that when i got him from school, that balloon? that he was crying over? popped in the car.  so elastagirl is no more but her story lives on.

 

The Mini Adventures of ElastaGirl

– The Blue Balloon –

A Story by Michele Laikowski

for her perfectly wonderful little boy

named HBL

 

ElastaGirl had a big day

ahead of her waiting

for Holden.

 

She wrote a song

about how blue the sky was

and how much it reminded her

of Holden.

 

She counted to three (3)

over and over because that

was how old Holden was.

 

She hopped up and down

in Holden’s car seat waiting

for him but don’t worry,

she took off her shoes first.

 

Elastagirl decided

that when Holden got back,

she’d give him a great, big kiss

Except she didn’t have any lips!

 

All day long,

Elastagirl waited for Holden to come back

but the entire time,

she wasn’t sad or mad or angry or cranky,

she was just happy that Holden

was out with his friends

& she got to be his biggest,

bluest friend of all.

The End

 

 

little girl, big belly

hi peoples! i've gone into sort of internet hibernation ... unless of course you don't count pinterest and uh, facebook ... but i'm here and i'm wide and i'm having another boy on cinco de mayo. surprise! unless of course we're friends on facebook or pinterest.

so, being a person of very little stature my belly may be even bigger than last time. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?, you may ask, to which i'll answer, i have no fucking idea. what's FUN though, is wading (waddling) through the people who ask me if i'm ready to pop. the answer inevitably leads to me perhaps not being me at my most kind. if you knew me in real life, you'd know that I AM NOT A KIND PREGNANT PERSON to begin with - so this is me even nastier. here's a tip: JUST DON'T TALK TO PREGNANT PEOPLE. if they mention their girth, say nothing. just don't. change the subject if you must. ask about the due date but not in away that you believe it will be next week OR if she's small DON'T MAKE HER FEEL BADLY ABOUT THAT EITHER. what i'm saying is, there are mind fields in pretty much whatever you say so, really, i'm begging you - just skip talking about the belly. period. forever. thank you!

my first born (how cute is that? first born! come on! like i'm an adult or something) is still a handful and some days, i even rise up to the challenge. ain't going to lie though - it's really, really tough. much of what i do, i need to do over another way. i have tried more parenting tips than there are parents (hey! i'm using hyperbole!) and am actually going to consult someone to help me be better. why not right? i mean, i haven't completely fucked him up yet.

this is a catch up post. i, uh, don't do much except worry over my toddler and bitch about people talking about my belly. i'm happy though. very happy. this little family of mine is small and lovely and is the life that i always wanted. it's hard to step back and see that but i do, on occasion. i miss performing and am getting an opportunity to BEND the boards on the 3rd of february. i'm lucky. and i know it.

NOW STOP TALKING ABOUT MY FUCKING BELLY

i am not a news hound. on occasion, i'll read the NY Times & stumble on an article that i find interesting from friends on their facebook posts and that's how i stay current. i don't say this with any pride, in fact, it kind of disgusts me about myself and it also makes arguing with my very tea bagging parents impossible, but there it is. so, read the following knowing i know jack all.

i am stunned by the murder, sorry, the execution of troy davis. i'm stunned and saddened and sickened. how can we consider ourselves a civilized country and still allow this flagrant disregard of justice to continue? how can we cry unfair about shit that doesn’t even matter – potholes, idiots, what have you – when we’re not standing up and loudly saying STOP. stop killing innocents. dig deeper. look closer. admit to being wrong.

America. i love you. i love you. i love you. but we are so much better than this. Please, stop this.

and please God – don’t let rick perry even get the nomination to run against President Obama. not because i don’t think Mr. Obama will win but because I want to believe better of the people of this country.

toddlers, right?

having a two and a half year old comes with it's own set of joys and uh, problems. if you had told me when he was born that he'd be kicked out of daycare, i would have said "slap your face and call me grace." no, i wouldn't have - who would say that? weird oh. BUT i would have thought you nuts and gone about my day of sobbing over never sleeping again. cut to 2 1/2 years later and it's true. my kid has been kicked out of daycare.

it started probably around mid may? maybe earlier.  yeah, early may.  holden was acting up at school. he wasn't willing to cooperate on simple things like uh, what don't toddlers like to cooperate on? taking a nap, putting away toys, eating lunch? shit like that. it was your general hitting, throwing, toddler stuff that got to them. around mid june, the teacher called in the owners to try some different techniques. we were called in to switch it up with them, doing the same stuff at home, you get me? and we did. for 2 weeks and it worked ACES at home but not so much at school so guess what? THEY SAID BYE BYE. that's right. about 1 month of mis-behavior, followed by 2 weeks of everyone being on the same page with little results in their eyes and they said they couldn't deal with a toddler who misbehaved.

for the month of may and beyond, i'd say that i thought holden was probably some abnormal little toddler that was going to end up killing cats and then escalating but then, i noticed something. i noticed other toddlers and their behavior. it was so so so similar. is my kid a handful? oh fuck yes. he's work. & guess what, daycare? YOU'RE A MOTHERFUCKING JOB. be challenged. try something for 3 MONTHS. you know, the time it takes for changes to be seen and made?

in other news, we found a new daycare. obviously. i'm feeling so burned by the old one that i'm not going to tell you how much i love it, but guys, i really love it.

oh and yeah - that baby thing. we're still plugging away. ha ha. plugging. i had a chemical pregnancy around when they kicked us out so that was a GREAT FUCKING WEEK.

i'm going to try to write more. my mind spins and spins and spins about stuff that i need to start a little more spewing to get it out.

hope you're well and having a great summer

i wrote this for a show - i leave it here for you

In 1974, my father had a mustache that he waxed.  He would use his comb to comb it probably as frequently as he combed his raven black hair.  Maybe more frequently.  He smelled of Tums with a beer chaser.   He bought me the old mustache with glasses disguise and I’d wear it around town with him in his Ford.  He had Buddy Holly glasses so it was perfect.  I thought people thought we were twins.  Daddy was big on teaching me about how to be a criminal.  He’d instruct me on the importance of swindling me people or just plain thievery.  He’d tell me to find some suckers and ‘lure them into the ally and I’ll hit them over the head’.  We would have been amazing bank robbers except for the alcoholism and my inability to drive.  He still has the mustache which he no longer waxes.   He has lost the smell of beer and the raven hair.  In 2011, I have finally figured out that mustaches & men can change.

i actually wrote two things for the show ... above is the one, i used / below is the one i thought about using

There once was a sailor who tried to stay on the land.  He had a raven black mustache and raven black hair.  His wife was in her 40’s and had a history of sadness coupled with a shovel, she used to bury her fear.  Their union was fleeting and ended in a girl who was happy and sad and constantly searching the world.  The sailor and daughter had a relationship based on truancy but no one got hurt.  At least, the wounds weren’t noticeable.  He’d comb and apply wax to his mustache, while his daughter would try his Tums driving around in his Ford F100 Truck – light blue to match his eyes.  The wife would be at home spinning her own lies.  Alcohol ended the relationship as is generally is the case, so away the wife went with the daughter and the sailor, he sailed on to another woman, with other children drinking in more destruction while combing and waxing his mustache.

what's to say?

they say that silence is golden.  they also can't hear the shit that goes round and round my mind. 

i'm going through nothing new.  just more of the same ... trying, trying, trying to get pregnant.  driving my husband insane.  luckily, the kid has no idea but i'm sure he can feel some bit of an off focus.  i just hope it's occassional. 

were you wondering about me?  well, that's where it stands.  nothing much in my belly except the ridiculous eating i do when i'm scared/sad/pissed/over it. 

last week we met with a lovely fertility doctor.  my insides said to her "oh, my! she's 40.  she should prolly think about just being 40." hopefully, the lady doc who is a lady doc and a lady doc will tell my body to shut up and take it. 

we're beginning to have serious discussions about adopting. 

i'm just tired of my mind spinning constantly about it and the empty room that we just leave empty.  although, it does make for a great place to play cars.

i hope you all are well.  i am.  i am just in a bit of a funk ... i guess really since august 25, 2010.  i'll try and suck up and get out of it.  i PROMISE.

Being a mom, (oh man, not another post about being a mom ... yep. another post about being a mom) is way more difficult than i thought. I keep wondering if i was a stay at home would it possibly be easier? The answer - how the fuck could i say if it were easier unless i was doing it. which of course begs the question of, why don't you? well, imaginary inquisitor, there are many reasons. the most obvious is finances. we're getting by, nicely, with the three jobs we work. & the comfort level is, i guess, important to us, or we'd have stan quit his 2nd job. we're working on that currently. it would be so nice to have weekends again. the other thing. the really big thing. harsh? maybe! i don't know if i could do it. if i'm being honest, and i am, i don't know if i can do it THE WAY I AM RIGHT NOW. i feel like when i'm with holden for the weekend, i'm screwing him up 10 ways to sunday (is that an expression? the expression? how am i a mom if i don't know even that expression). and yet, i sit here and yearn for the next one. i yearn for his sibling like nothing i've ever wanted. nothing compares to this yearning. a boy to like me. an audition to be nailed. a race run. i just want to make / have another little person so that i can potentially screw it up too?

i am one crazy mo fo. i really thought that typing it out would help me understand it. but nope.

hey der new year

we made it to 2011!  it's sort of just like 2010! 

i'm in "training"for the ny half marathon.  the parenthesis are because i logged my first run today since ohhhhhhhh, dec 6th.  this here half is on march 20th.  stats to beat are 2:38:36 which is what i ran the queens half which was 98 degrees that day and with the humidity factored in, the heat index was 102 degrees at its peak.  ok ok - i didn't run it at it's peak but cut a sistah some slack it was hot.  hi! i make excuses for that run.  oh and don't forget i had to poop the whole time! 

the real thing that is hounding me, dear readers, is the no baby in my belly.  it's been the most difficult thing i've had to go through.  i have an amazing son, a husband who is just oh not enough words of goodness at how supportive and funny and yes, again amazing this guy is, a beautiful house and yet.  i want more.  boo on me.  be in the now, michele.  be in the now. 

well - the now is that i am currently training for a half marathon for march 20th which i will finish in 2 fucking hours or i will just do it again faster the next time.

oh look!  it's holden - he wants to say hi!

 

so that happened

we moved!  it happened!  we own a house!  it will feel real on dec 1 when our first mortgage payment is due.  i do believe that it was more difficult than planning a wedding or having a baby (not apparently keeping one though - ha ha? no?  we're probably not there yet).  it was stupid and hateful and we may not ever move because of how awful getting a loan to buy a house is and frankly, that's ok because i love our house.  i love our backyard.  i love (for now) putting out the garbage on tuesday nights & friday nights and i'm blanking on the night to put out the recycling.  & HALLOWEEN.  you guys!  HALLOWEEN WAS LIKE THE BEST DAY/NIGHT OF MY LIFE.  it was so crazy fun.  i will put a picture here that is on facebook because i forgot my phone at home that has other pictures. 

 
isn't that so stinking cute?  there are leaves everywhere.  we have raked so don't be like that - that's not our lawn!

the commute sucks.  i will say that.  it's not long - it's just dicey.  so far though - i would still rather be there then other theres.

this morning i ran for the first time.  i am sad it's taken me so long to get my life together and run again but i did it and it's not my biggest regret in life and i think that's positive.  i did, unfortunately, fall.  it was painful but i picked myself up and wimpered and started running again. 

anyway - it's just nice and i want to tell you guys more about it - really i do but i'm at work, ok?