Recently, I had a blast from my past send me a message via Facebook. It was filled with the most vile vitriol that I have ever had directed at me. The messenger probably had a lot to drink and clearly had spent a lot of time hating me. It was bitter and sad and left me feeling like I needed, at the very least, a long hot shower. She went a step further and attacked my children so then I felt like I needed a restraining order. I have instead blocked her and un-friended those we had in common and will do all I can to keep her far from me and mine. But, it's left me haunted with what exactly snapped in this person.
So, when I read the Mandy Patinkin article in NYT, it sort of all made sense. Ha - no, not really but really. This woman could have gone down two different paths. She chose to be a stay at home mom instead of digging in and pursuing a dream in the theater. She had (probalby still has) what it takes to succeed but decided on marrying and quiting her unfullfilling day job to have a wonderful mans children and now, those kids are way out of diapers and she's left drinking in her suburban home. It has been at least 10 years since we last spoke so I can safely say "bitch, you don't know her life" and it would be true. I don't know her path, I don't know if she's done anything to fullfill her emense talent, taken any steps to have a creative outlet but you don't send messages that say "You are a bitch and hated." if you've taken any steps to keeping yourself happy. At what point did her sadness over her life decisions lead her to this unsettling reality. Her parents were killed when she was pregnant with her first son. Did that lead her to this moment? I know in college, she did some things that weren't just the behavior of a college kid. There was some theft of college roomates credit cards. Theft of boyfriends. Discarding of people she had used. Of course, there was a reason that I was drawn in by her. I was too. I felt like I was looking at the sun when she would turn her charm my way. I was one of very few women she liked. She loved the boys and boy, did they love her. She was a chameleon. She had a cowboy Southern born again boyfriend and she attempted a Southern accent and bought a lot of cowboy boots and stopped swearing. Her rock and roll boyfriend caused her to drink a lot of whiskey and smoke and swear and there was a lot of drunk driving. Wait, in both relationships, she drank and drove drunk. There were a lot of boyfriends and she was a different girlfriend for each of them. I can only assume she was a different friend for me as well. My best friend and maid of honor never understood my friendship with this woman. She never saw any good in her. I wish that I could explain it now. I can't though - it's more than a decade ago and I'm not as needy to be cool. If you saw my bangs that I personally cut right before leaving for work, you'd know that was true.
I can't say I wish her well. Right now, I'm still realing from the contact but I can say that I hope her children are happy and I hope her husband is too. They're just kids and the man she married really and truly was wonderful.
So, why'd I post the Mandy article and what does it have to do with this girl? It's interesting to find an article about an artist who sees what a shit he was. A talented, talented shit who finally learned to take himself less seriously and to recognize that perhaps he took it out on those he loved. Who was driven and is still driven by the need to have the people who think he should be a movie star let up on him and recognize that he's an emense star that is a movie star. And this girl? She needs to let go of who she was for what she is. I hope a good mother but who the fuck knows. She sounds like a huge asshole who needs to examine her priorities.
Anyway, my life isn't all peaches and sunscreen. I am struggling to let go of the voices in my head that say I'm not good enough - it's mostly my voice. It's not easy. But shut the fuck up, right? Nothing is. The only thing you can do is to be kind but I'm not feeling very kind to that girl who I went to college with nor who she is now. Still, you go forth and love on someone today. It's easier than sending hate mail.